My Weight Loss Secret

Recently people have been commenting a lot on my weight.  Back in May I was hovering somewhere around 208 pounds.  I was out to prove that the fear of starving to death on a vegan diet was a completely unfounded concern.  By mid July, I had slimmed down considerably to a sleek 170 pounds: a difference of nearly 40 pounds.  Since then, everyone has been wanting to know my weight loss secret.  Was it some new pill to reduce fat for those pushing maximum density?  Was I spending more time at the gym? No, in fact, my weight loss plan came to me purely by accident. Somehow, out of nowhere, I contracted infectious mononucleosis (often refered to as mono or the kissing disease).  The bummer of the whole ordeal was that I wasn’t anywhere near another person’s lips during the incubation period leading up to the onset of sweats, swollen glands, dysphagia, dry heaving, and a sore throat that resembled swallowing razor blades.  Basically, the sort of symptoms you get after being severely kicked and beaten while trying to make your way out of the mosh pit at a death metal concert.  At least, that is how your ribs and spleen feel once the infection really grabs hold and decides to make its presence known.  The sad thing is that many people who get mono never get a serious case of it.  It is only those of us lucky enough to have symptoms drag out for months who get a sense of how evil such an infection truly is.

What many people may not know is that Mononucleosis is an infection brought about by a couple of card carrying members of the herpes family of viruses (Epstein Barr and Cytomegalobolin viruses).  I’ve always imagined the process to be sort of like the Borg trying to assimilate a new victum into the collective.  Which is another reason why I would caution singers to really be more careful when kissing groupies.  The other band members can get by without their voices, diverting their discomfort into deeper musical expression while hiding behind their instruments.  Although, for some bands, mono might help to improve their singer’s ability to hit certain notes they wouldn’t otherwise be able to hit when not in excrutiating throat pain.

Generally, when we think of herpes, we imagine things like genital warts and drug commercials that remind us of how there is no cure for this viscious little virus.  What we don’t typically stop to think about is that there are a host of infectious problems caused by herpes type viruses.  Problems ranging from cold sores to chicken pox. Unfortunately, we do not have a viable scientific reason to believe that herpes is responsible for younger siblings, PMS, or the plaguing urge to vote for anyone other than Ron Paul (or Chuck Baldwin, as he recently endorsed).  But, infectious mononucleosis can have a beneficial side effect, even though the pain and suffering that some experience is more than they bargained for.  For about two weeks, when the symptoms really hit me, I wasn’t even remotely hungry. Do you have any idea how much time is wasted eating three meals a day? Before I knew it, I had all this extra time on my hands. I wasn’t snacking between meals either, which means I had to develop other nervous habits like prank calling sales people who left their number on my caller ID and watching old reruns of Sanford and Son just to make up for new gaps of time in my daily schedule.

So, if you are thinking about going on some new fad diet, popping pills, or trying to shed a few unwanted pounds by way of expensive colonics, maybe catching mono as a means to losing weight is a cheaper alternative.  Well, perhaps that wouldn’t be such a great idea.  But, I must say, I haven’t been able to fit into these old blue jeans for years.  And although I can’t kiss my girlfriend for another three months, I’m at least a much slimmer person as a result of contracting mono.