By Corey Bray

  Have you had a GAS attack lately?  Gear acquisition syndrome is an insidious disease that infects most musicians–especially those of us who play guitar.  It sneaks up on you slowly and just takes you over.  Before you know it you are slamming your credit card down on the counter, at the local music store, to purchase some insanely expensive new piece of gear for your rig.   Never mind that the interest rates are twenty-three percent and you will be forced to survive on nothing but corn chips and ramen noodles for months to come.  The important thing is that you got your grubby little hands on that new Eventide harmonizer rack that pumps out heavenly sounds to the four amps you bought last year that you are probably still paying off.

  If you suffer from GAS, it is important to make some adjustments to your overall lifestyle–especially when visiting the music store.  The following is my list of recommended techniques for handling a Gas attack.

1.   Leave your wallet and credit card at home.

  If you have to visit a music store, remember it is just to browse and drool, not to buy.  Leave your wallet back at the apartment to avoid jerking it out of your pocket during a GAS attack.

2.   Just say, “No!”

  The sales rep at the store will likely remind you that you can put up to a gazillion dollars worth of equipment on the new store credit card and finance the payments out for twelve months interest free.  There might even be another sales rep behind you whispering “You can do it.” or “Yes, you want it.” in your ear.  But, no matter how great the temptation, you can always just say, “No!” and walk away.

3.   The buddy system.

  Never go to the music store alone.  Always take someone with you that is big and strong enough to knock you out cold the moment they sense that you are about to buy another piece of gear to clutter up your room with.

4.    Dial a friend.

  Before you buy a new guitar, amp, keyboard, or whatever, make sure to call your friend and start panting heavily over the phone.  When they ask what is wrong, let them know that you are going through a GAS attack and that you would like to borrow their gear for about two or three months until the GAS attack passes.  If they are truly a friend, you know they will comply with your request.  Hopefully, they are not a musician that suffers from GAS attacks themselves.

5.    Locks and chains.

  Okay, this is not some new fetish.  But, in extreme cases, you just have to chain yourself to your bed and toss the key across the room and wait for someone to come home to set you free.  Hopefully you don’t live alone and won’t be stuck feeling really stupid for chaining yourself to the bed and tossing the key across the room.

  If all else fails, then it is simply time to seek professional help.  So, I hope this information helps you out the next time you have a GAS attack.  Now, I think it is time for me to duck out and go buy a new guitar, I’m feeling a GAS attack coming on.

  Let other musicians in your area know about your next open jam session.  Get your local open jam session listed in the Roadie Rage business directory.  Just visit: www.roadierage.com

Our economy may be in the toilet, but darn it, we have the weather channel on Mars. Today it was cold with a smattering of snow flurries on the Martian frontier. Yes, they really did detect snow on Mars. Time to break out the whip cream and wild cherry Kool-Aid and have a party. Maybe we can get congress to declare a national Mars snow day to boot. It would seem that the more excuses that we have to keep congress out of session, the safer our country and the economy tends to be. In any case, the news on Mars is far more exciting anyway.

Now that we know that there is evidence of water on Mars, I just want to know when I can pack my bags for a trip. It would be nice to get away from Earth for a while and take a vacation. They always made it look so easy to do that in Star Trek. Beam me up, Scottie! I wonder how quickly I would be tossing my cookies after lift off? And is the water there cleaner than the water in New York or Chicago? I mean, think of all the places the water on this planet has been. Do you really want to stick it in your mouth? If I didn’t have a filter on my faucet, I would be totally grossed out. There is just something about recycled city tap water that has that suspicious chemical taste to it.

Although I doubt I will ever get to see the Martian landscape up close and in person, it would be nice to at least get to see a manned mission to Mars in my lifetime. I’m a huge believer in space exploration, because I think that it is the answer to most of our global problems. I mean, just think how nice it would be to pack all our political leaders into a shuttle and send them off to Mars so that we could all start over and do it right this time? Just think of how much that would help the state of affairs on our little planet. I think there is a missing piece to the space program though. When NASA sends probes to places like Mars, they should contract with companies to get more private funding. I mean, the Cassini probe was a nice waste of a great commercial opportunity. They should have called it the Pepsi probe or the McDonalds mission. Then our kids could get more interesting toys in their Happy Meals. Thus encouraging a new generation of young people to support the space program and help us get the heck off this crazy rock.

Just when you thought the red scare was over and that the Manchurian Candidate was nothing more than a harmless Sinatra flick, congress moves to place us under the watchful eye of a new Czar. First there was the drug Czar and now thanks to the recent passage of the Pro Intellectual Property bill America has a new Copyright Czar. What really causes me to scratch my head is why congress found it necessary to put such a Czar in place. If the Justice department couldn’t stay on top of all the piracy going on, what makes them think that sending the problem over to another department will somehow magically improve the situation? I think we should drag the Drug Czar in here and have him check to make sure that our politicians aren’t smoking crack, because there is something awfully fishy about this whole Copyright Czar nonsense.
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Since our political system in America is the biggest joke on the planet, I felt it was time to introduce my pick for the next President of the United States.  On election day, the American people need to rise up and vote their conscience by writing in Weird Al Yankovic for President.  Now, I’m not certain who his running mate should be at this time, but it would be pretty cool to see the media address Mr. Yankovic as the next inhabitant of the oval office.  Perhaps Pauly Shore would fit in nicely into the Yankovic administration as a viable VP?  Just consider the possibilities.  Pauly’s experience in environmental issues from his role in Bio-Dome, first hand knowledge of the military from “In The Army Now”, and his insight into farm life in “Son In Law” adds to his long list of qualifications.  And perhaps some of that Beverly Hills high learning is what Washington needs a taste of here in the new millenium.

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