Have you had a GAS attack lately?  Gear acquisition syndrome is an insidious disease that infects most musicians–especially those of us who play guitar.  It sneaks up on you slowly and just takes you over.  Before you know it you are slamming your credit card down on the counter, at the local music store, to purchase some insanely expensive new piece of gear for your rig.   Never mind that the interest rates are twenty-three percent and you will be forced to survive on nothing but corn chips and ramen noodles for months to come.  The important thing is that you got your grubby little hands on that new Eventide harmonizer rack that pumps out heavenly sounds to the four amps you bought last year that you are probably still paying off.

  If you suffer from GAS, it is important to make some adjustments to your overall lifestyle–especially when visiting the music store.  The following is my list of recommended techniques for handling a Gas attack.

1.   Leave your wallet and credit card at home.

  If you have to visit a music store, remember it is just to browse and drool, not to buy.  Leave your wallet back at the apartment to avoid jerking it out of your pocket during a GAS attack.

2.   Just say, “No!”

  The sales rep at the store will likely remind you that you can put up to a gazillion dollars worth of equipment on the new store credit card and finance the payments out for twelve months interest free.  There might even be another sales rep behind you whispering “You can do it.” or “Yes, you want it.” in your ear.  But, no matter how great the temptation, you can always just say, “No!” and walk away.

3.   The buddy system.

  Never go to the music store alone.  Always take someone with you that is big and strong enough to knock you out cold the moment they sense that you are about to buy another piece of gear to clutter up your room with.

4.    Dial a friend.

  Before you buy a new guitar, amp, keyboard, or whatever, make sure to call your friend and start panting heavily over the phone.  When they ask what is wrong, let them know that you are going through a GAS attack and that you would like to borrow their gear for about two or three months until the GAS attack passes.  If they are truly a friend, you know they will comply with your request.  Hopefully, they are not a musician that suffers from GAS attacks themselves.

5.    Locks and chains.

  Okay, this is not some new fetish.  But, in extreme cases, you just have to chain yourself to your bed and toss the key across the room and wait for someone to come home to set you free.  Hopefully you don’t live alone and won’t be stuck feeling really stupid for chaining yourself to the bed and tossing the key across the room.

  If all else fails, then it is simply time to seek professional help.  So, I hope this information helps you out the next time you have a GAS attack.  Now, I think it is time for me to duck out and go buy a new guitar, I’m feeling a GAS attack coming on.

Now that we know that there is evidence of water on Mars, I just want to know when I can pack my bags for a trip. It would be nice to get away from Earth for a while and take a vacation. They always made it look so easy to do that in Star Trek. Beam me up, Scottie! I wonder how quickly I would be tossing my cookies after lift off? And is the water there cleaner than the water in New York or Chicago? I mean, think of all the places the water on this planet has been. Do you really want to stick it in your mouth? If I didn’t have a filter on my faucet, I would be totally grossed out. There is just something about recycled city tap water that has that suspicious chemical taste to it.

Although I doubt I will ever get to see the Martian landscape up close and in person, it would be nice to at least get to see a manned mission to Mars in my lifetime. I’m a huge believer in space exploration, because I think that it is the answer to most of our global problems. I mean, just think how nice it would be to pack all our political leaders into a shuttle and send them off to Mars so that we could all start over and do it right this time? Just think of how much that would help the state of affairs on our little planet. I think there is a missing piece to the space program though. When NASA sends probes to places like Mars, they should contract with companies to get more private funding. I mean, the Cassini probe was a nice waste of a great commercial opportunity. They should have called it the Pepsi probe or the McDonalds mission. Then our kids could get more interesting toys in their Happy Meals. Thus encouraging a new generation of young people to support the space program and help us get the heck off this crazy rock.

Then there is the matter of paying this new master that the government felt should be watching over your shoulder. Of course, it is the tax payers who will have to foot the bill for this new Copyright Czar. If congress wants to hire someone to fill a position that they made up out of thin air, then let the politicians who create these positions of power pay for this out of their own pockets. But, there is a deeper scandle going on here. How many Czars that you do not actually vote into positions of power will the government have to slip in under your nose, before you realize that more and more of your masters are people you can neither elect into office nor vote down?

A lot of politicians talk about change, but I am confident that Mr. Yankovic would bring a campaign of much needed change to washington.  His song “Dare to be Stupid” pretty much sums up the workings of Congress at nearly every level.  In many ways, Mr. Yankovic has addressed many of the basic social problems that we face in our every day lives.  From “Eat it” and the “Constipation” song to ”I’m Fat” and “Like a Sergeon”, Weird Al has taken on the issues of childhood obesity and health reform in this country head on.  His message in “Another One Rides the Bus” is a testament to the poor quality of public transportation that plagues many large cities in this fine land of ours.

Now, you are probably wondering how Weird Al would fair in matters of foreign policy, with a raging war in Iraq and Afganistan.  But, let me assure you, there is no one that knows more about the force than the man who gave us the songs, “Yoda” and “The Saga Begins”.  His willingness to send us all a much needed “Virus Alert” and the examples of all the things he bought on EBAY, speaks to his knowing far more about computers than presidential hopeful John McCain.  And even though he probably won’t win the black vote, being that unlike Obama he is so “White and Nerdy”, I still feel that he has a real chance to swing the electorial votes if we just give his campaign a chance.  With his vision of an “Amish Paradise”, he might be able to convince enough of the Religious Right to see that his conservative values are a much needed breath of fresh air.